Today Should Be Different

The news all morning was that we were in a blizzard. I was alone all weekend, and there was a snow storm on the entire eastern seaboard, and it felt like an absolute dare for me to go outside, so I grabed the dogs, their two leashes some pathetic raincoat for myslef that had that split up the middle as i was walking, and thank God had waist toggles that I manages to tie together. I had two mismatched gloves and a balaclava on my face making me look like a brown Carhart mystery man. But off I was to the park trying to keep the dogs paws off the salt on the road as it stings them and walking down the center lane of a mucky street and finally into the Winter Wonderland of Central Park.

I walked around for about 30 minutes choosing paths that were different than my normal routes because I thought “today should be different” and when I said that to myself I didn’t really realize the dare I was about to do to myself. I was walking near the Mall in Central Park, which is that wide cinematic pathway with incredibly tall tree lined views, and I saw a man and he was very handsome and appealing with a long lanky body and bright blue eyes and a handsome face he looked to me like he was in it has least 30s possibly 40s and there was just some thing about him. I was so allured that I found myself turning my dogs around and following him. It didn’t hurt that the music in my headphones had lyrics saying “I will go wherever you will go” that I took as a sign, but this is just not my usual behavior. I don’t follow people (and trust me as someone who does get followed I think it’s quite weird) but I got pulled in the wake of this man’s ocean. What if the two of us were to lock eyes, I mean that’s really the only part of my face you can see of me anyway, and not shortly there after he parked himself on the side of the wide road of the Central Park mall and was looking at his phone and really almost seeming like a wanderer himself. He was not a man on a mission, he was just simply slaloming through the park with complete casualness. So I did some thing I’ve never done before I walked right up to him and I said “excuse me” with a giggle and shy eyes I said “are you single?” and his response was “perhaps?” and I said “well OK that’s not a no” and we both laughed I said “are you gay?” and he said “no” and we laughed again, as i tend to fall for men who are not looking fo someone like me, I said “well ok!” And with that i realized I wasn’t barking up the wrong tree per say, and then this overwhelming shyness came over me as I realized what the hell I was doing? What do I say next? It was as if I was talking with no control and realizing that I was in mid Leap, so I said “well sir I just thought I would ask you these things because I saw you and you seemed really lovely and the truth of the matter is that it is no matter what happens from this conversation I have no expectations! I just wanted to do some thing today that would make me proud of myself and that would come from daring to speak to you! and he said “well I’m proud of you too” with a sweet smile and dimples with a thick Irish accent. Yet there was a gentle bewilderment to his laugh that said he couldn’t believe this is happening either but he was certainly not gonna make me feel bad about it! And then the fact that only my eyes were showing, I said, “now I’m too shy to even look you in the eyes, which Is ridiculous coming from the person who initiated this conversation” so I decided to take my Balaklava off and reveal myself, and as my face hit the cold snowflake air, the hair fell all down my shoulders i looked in his eyes and said “hi” he smiled and nodded. Our conversation staled for a minute, and it was then I noticed a girl a few feet away staring outwardly to the vistas, but I could gather that she had heard everything, to which I thought I have two decisions. I could lead this gentleman away or be I could just figure out what to say to him next and so we struck up a small conversation. He said that he had just left his apartment in order to step away from work “because he works too much” and I said “having worked pretty much consistently since I was 11 months old I like a good work ethic” and he said yes but “I live to work” and I said “well how bad is your life work balance?” and I guess that is a whole other subject and then as I’m looking at him I realized there was another possibly important question that dawned on me in that moment, and I said “how old are you” and he looked at me and he said “28” my heart sank. I said “oh, I didn’t realize you were so young” and he laughed and he told me a story about how his father looked so young until he was an old man but for some reason he himself did not get that and gene and has looked old since he was young. I laughed and said “yes I don’t think I would’ve stopped you had I known that I am basically twice your age” and that was the first moment of true disconnect in my mind. I thought there’s just no way I’m gonna be 47! At 28 I had so much to learn and those are such beautiful lessons, its a whole lifetime in itself, but this man did not look that young. He even said it was a genetic shock that he since 20 years old has looked like he was in his 30s and now at 28 I wanted to tell him he look like he was in his 40s but I didn’t want to offend him, so our energy started to disembark, and I could feel it, so we continued on making jokes and somehow the conversation led to the fact that he thought babies were sweet but kids overwhelmed him and I said “well there’s our second strike because I have two young children” but then I joked and I said “well it’s not like we’re getting married or anything” and he laughed so hard and said “I’m so glad that we’re establishing that” and the energy of our tête-à-tête was very positive. Just then the woman who I noticed earlier came walking up to me and she said “are you Drew Barrymore?” and in my head I thought well this adds another layer to this man’s experience of having a woman follow him, then stop him, then ask his status… and now this element. I looked at her with a big smile and said “yes I am” nodding sort of sheepishly but excitedly and she said “I just heard everything that you did and I just have to say that it is so awesome that you asked him if he was single!” and I said “yes, I figured I’m so tired of dating apps and technology and the upcoming meta-verse that I wanna kick it IRL and from now on I’m going to encourage myself and anyone else to be brave in person!” and then her friend came running over and started squealing too and they were both so cute and they asked the guy “what are you gonna do?” they probably weren’t thinking about the uncloseable age gap and the fact that he doesn’t desire children at this point, and I covered for him and I said “well I think we’re all here to just make ourselves proud and he once again confirmed that he was proud of me and then the girls screamed we’re proud of you too and I thanked them all so very much and said “maybe the four of us should go out and do some thing that makes ourselves proud today?!” and as I slowly and sweetly extricated myself from the situation the girls realized that maybe this man and I would like to say goodbye in private and waved and they quickly walked away. I looked at him and I said “well thank you very much by the way another important question I forgot to ask what is your name?” “Richard” he said I said “I’m Drew” and I smiled the two of us looked at each other not exactly knowing how to close this moment out, as I think both of us know that this really wasn’t going to go anywhere, and I appreciated that we weren’t doing the obligatory bullshit- save the ego in the moment, and ask for anything further than what this was… a lovely exchange. The last thing Richard said to me was “if I’m in the first today you follow how many more will there be?” and I said “oh Richard, I haven’t done anything like this in as many years as I can remember” and he said “well will you do it again?” and I said “this could possibly sustain me for a long time” but as I walked away I realized that maybe this was actually the beginning of some thing. Why don’t we walk up to people and get to know them? Take a chance? Why are we not bold and daring why are we constantly hiding behind the swipe left universe? I’m sick of it! I used to be so bold when I was young, like I had nothing to lose. I miss that girl, and in that knee deep snow on the ground… I think I actually got in touch with that younger braver bolder girl! I walked away, still not exactly knowing where I was going, i’m sure a small part of me wished he was older or the scenario went possibly slightly different, and yet I really had meant what I said, it was less about the outcome and more about trying to make myself proud. I’ve had a revelation in life recently about what bravery really is… bravery is an act, and it is not a result. We just have to try regardless of the outcome and be excited about our efforts. Bravery for me right now is about the act of doing some thing, not what it warrants. And I knew I had just been brave and gotten out of my comfort zone and the truth was it made me feel really good. And so i kept walking. I walked down a different road. I did things differently. And just like with the group, I say to all of us, maybe we can do something to make ourselves proud today. Be brave. With no expectations of the result, and just to be proud of ourselves. IRL.